Ich spreche Deutsch. That is German for well… 'I speak German', a language which I learnt overcoming my natural handicap of my Father not being named "Helmut" and my mother not being called "Heidi". I learnt German for different reasons than wanting to impress Claudia Schiffer's Vater und Mutter before asking their daughter's hand.
I learnt it primarily because:
a) Learning German exposes you to a new culture of mainstream Europe.
b) It was time to use that little thing dangling at the entrance to my throat to pronounce some words like "Buch".
But I realise that I would have never learnt this language had I tried to learn it at college, where it was taught by Mr Iyengar, whose closest brush with the German culture had come while secretly stealing glances at the poster of an economically clad Ursula Andress. Mr Iyengar taught with all the passion and fire of a wet matchstick.
With a voice that refused to get out of bed, he used to drone on somnambulently in class , "Ich bin, du bist, er sie es ist. Repeat after me". After 15 minutes of this , most countries would have tried him for attempted murder but Mr Iyengar went on , quietly ignoring the bodies that lay before him with their jaws frozen open in various stages of pronouncing "bin".
That was not the only problem. The books were designed for people who had some major problems with their visual and cognitive skills.
Hans: Is that a table ?
( " Ist das ein Tisch ?")
Peter: No, these are shoes.
("Nein, diese sind Schuhe")
Call me a skeptic but if the target audience for learning German is people, who have trouble distinguishing between shoes and Tables, then a operation by a German surgeon would be pretty interesting.
("Nurse, Is that the Tropic of Capricorn?"….
"No Doctor, that is his Medulla Oblongata").
I can think of only so many occasions involving Tables and Shoes and thankfully our Parliamentary sessions are one of them.
In my mind, the correct answer to Hans should have been, "Hans, you neuron starved imbecile, these are shoes which are soon going to end up in the far end of your alimentary canal if you continue asking stupid questions"
(No i won't try to translate that)
But Hans will continue mistaking trousers for curtains and Cars for Ships until the month of March, when the State education board quietly puts Hans and Peter and a very tired opthalmologist to sleep.
If the system seriously wants the students to learn language, it should focus on things which are more practical and rather than having chapters like , "An evening at the Zoo" which to an 18-year-old ranks just after Arthritis on the interest scale.
What would have been more practical are chapters like, "When Wolfgang finds he has run out of Beer", "Dietmar rents a soft porn video" or "Helga shops for lingerie".
But Hans and Peter, who have a lifetime employment contract with the State Education Board are unlikely to be retired soon and isn't that a tragedy ?
Even Mr Iyengar would say , "Sie ist".
I learnt it primarily because:
a) Learning German exposes you to a new culture of mainstream Europe.
b) It was time to use that little thing dangling at the entrance to my throat to pronounce some words like "Buch".
But I realise that I would have never learnt this language had I tried to learn it at college, where it was taught by Mr Iyengar, whose closest brush with the German culture had come while secretly stealing glances at the poster of an economically clad Ursula Andress. Mr Iyengar taught with all the passion and fire of a wet matchstick.
With a voice that refused to get out of bed, he used to drone on somnambulently in class , "Ich bin, du bist, er sie es ist. Repeat after me". After 15 minutes of this , most countries would have tried him for attempted murder but Mr Iyengar went on , quietly ignoring the bodies that lay before him with their jaws frozen open in various stages of pronouncing "bin".
That was not the only problem. The books were designed for people who had some major problems with their visual and cognitive skills.
Hans: Is that a table ?
( " Ist das ein Tisch ?")
Peter: No, these are shoes.
("Nein, diese sind Schuhe")
Call me a skeptic but if the target audience for learning German is people, who have trouble distinguishing between shoes and Tables, then a operation by a German surgeon would be pretty interesting.
("Nurse, Is that the Tropic of Capricorn?"….
"No Doctor, that is his Medulla Oblongata").
I can think of only so many occasions involving Tables and Shoes and thankfully our Parliamentary sessions are one of them.
In my mind, the correct answer to Hans should have been, "Hans, you neuron starved imbecile, these are shoes which are soon going to end up in the far end of your alimentary canal if you continue asking stupid questions"
(No i won't try to translate that)
But Hans will continue mistaking trousers for curtains and Cars for Ships until the month of March, when the State education board quietly puts Hans and Peter and a very tired opthalmologist to sleep.
If the system seriously wants the students to learn language, it should focus on things which are more practical and rather than having chapters like , "An evening at the Zoo" which to an 18-year-old ranks just after Arthritis on the interest scale.
What would have been more practical are chapters like, "When Wolfgang finds he has run out of Beer", "Dietmar rents a soft porn video" or "Helga shops for lingerie".
But Hans and Peter, who have a lifetime employment contract with the State Education Board are unlikely to be retired soon and isn't that a tragedy ?
Even Mr Iyengar would say , "Sie ist".
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